THE WORST By Shane Smallwood

“Trust. What is trust anyway?” I asked him, and that’s when he replied... “I Didn’t say trust. Said love. Asked you if you loved her.” “Love, trust...” I had to think about that for a second. “Well, I guess there’s a difference.” A slim one I thought. “You can love someone and not trust ‘em, but what’s that? I mean love is great, but without trust to make it stick, you gotta’ empty promise. Know what I mean? Nothing.” He nodded. For a second I thought he was with me. But then remembered where I was. “You wanna know don’cha? You wanna hear me say it-that’s why I’m in here, right?” “I thought we were talking about love.” He said. “You don’t give a damn if I loved her. You got a case to solve and you want me to make it easy for you.” He leans back in his chair as that sly cop smile comes over him. “This case, it’s really not that hard. I just wanted to get your take on things.” He spreads the photos of the crime scene out on the table. “I’m sure this was an accident. Things like this happen all the time.” The picture he pushed in front of me shows what was once a woman. Now it’s a battered globe of partially snow covered purple and red mountains and lines of frozen streaked blood which combined with the snott and snow into a semi-jelled, frozen mix over her orifices. What dripped from that formed icicles, sticking between her and the ground. Dozens of photos like these. Lined up from the not so terrible to the down right, macabre. Namely, the worst of them all. A picture I can’t even describe. It’s one of those things you’d just have to see for yourself. It was Sunday. I remember it cuz the sky was so gray. I kept thinking about it snowing. I love the snow. That was the day I knew I was going to kill her...It snowed that night.” I stop talking long enough to think about what I’m saying. Rubbing my hand over my mouth, wrinkling my face. A thought, something insignificant, more strange than anything crosses my mind. Funnel cakes and fried plantains. Massaging my fingers down my chin, I thinks about now again. Calmly. “Yeah, well, yeah. I did it. But I loved her too.” “And if you kill somebody because you love ‘em-I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that. Right?” # She didn’t know that I knew about her, “friend.” I think his name is Harv. Harv knew about me, and I couldn’t forgive him for that. My wife, was a beautiful woman. We lived in a comfortable house in a pretty nice neighborhood. And I worked hard-two jobs! For everything we had, and all she did was complain and cheat. Yeah, she had it coming. There were days I would pretend to go to work, then sneak back in and hide some place. In a closet, under a bed-the time I hid under the bed... Can you imagine it? Him touching her. Fondling her, and she just laughing and touching him back? From under the bed I could hear the noises, the moans and kisses. His hands in places where only my hands had been. The bed hammering the wall. God! I hate that bed! From then on I couldn’t stand to sleep in it. I use to pretend I couldn’t sleep so I could go lay on the couch. Once I couldn’t trust her, I knew it was only a matter of time before I get her back. The Sunday it snowed. That seemed like the best time. Besides, I was getting tired of the lies. # “Josh! Josh! Where the hell are you?!” On her knees, cleaning up snow tracks on the front room carpet. She was able to get off two mumbled curses under her breath before Josh comes up behind her. “What?” “Oh, it’s what now?” Cleaning up more snow. “You think you can clean your shoes before you come in? I mean God, I clean up after you everyday. It snows for the first time in I don’t know when, and you manage to bring most of it in the house.” “I’ll try not to.” “I bet you will.” That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore! “You thought you were slick didn’t you? You thought it would never get out.” She pretends to ignore me. “You don’t think much of me, do you Diane?” She never turns around. Not even as she’s about to clean the last spot. “Oh, give me a break Josh. What are you talking about now?” “I haven’t been out tonight.” That got her attention. Maybe she was trying to think of something to say, or maybe it the realization of being caught was slowly setting in. Maybe...maybe, did she didn’t do anything at all? No. Wait a minute! She paused. That’s what made me grab her! Diane cuts her eye to the door. She did realize something. That she’d made a mistake. Harv tracked them in when he came over. She’d totally forgot. “Would it have mattered?” She thought. “How long had he known?” I snatched her off the floor! I didn’t want to do it-it just happened. I kept hitting her and punching her, and I couldn’t stop. I don’t know if I wanted to-I didn’t. But I had to. Even when blood poured from her nose and her face started to swell. Not even when I broke her jaw. I couldn’t stop. And that’s when it got bad...real bad. Stupid! She kept calling me. She through my thinking off. The window, I forgot to close the blinds. I quickly go to the window. There’s a car park across the street. How long had it been there, I wondered. And where was the driver? Did he hear? Did he see?! I go back to Diane. There’s blood on the wall-the floor is soaked with it. And here I am. Just as covered as the floor, and who the hell is that knocking? BOOM BOOM BOOM! There it was again. Was it the driver? BOOM BOOM BOOM! Louder this time. I looked down and saw my own reflection in a sharp blade. It was meant for her. Didn’t get a chance to use it. Must have dropped it. Funny, cuz I don’t even remember taking it out. I pick it up. I’m not giving who ever it is a chance to knock again. I snatched the door open and, and... # “And what?” The Detective asked. “What happened next?” “I knew it was Harv. He must’a been watching, it had to be him! I, I-I lunged forward, knocking us both to the ground. Without a further thought, without any thought at all, I raised the knife and started stabbing! Again and Again!” Banging my hand on the table after each word. “Once I calmed down I looked down at the mess I made. I’d hoped I didn’t screw his face up too bad-I still wanted to spit on it.” I laugh at it now. Maybe not laugh-smile at least. “But?” The Detective asked. “No matter how much you think you know, there’s always something you can’t see coming.” “Go on.” He said. # I stood up and wiped the sweat off my forehead. There was even more blood on my hands. That’s when I looked down and saw my error. It wasn’t Harv looking back up at me with glassy, bloodshot eyes. Nor was it his blood soaked into the snow. # “Her sister, Diane’s sister. She always parked her car across the street when she came over. I don’t think she saw anything, but even if she did, she didn’t deserve what I did to her.” Not that I care, but, I mean it’s the principle of the thing. She wasn’t who I wanted to kill. “You do realize what you’re saying? You understand that you’re confessing to two murders?” I think about it about for a moment. “I’ll admit that one of them was a murder-it was an accident, but oh well. The other was an act of love. Like I said, if you love someone and you kill ‘em, that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with that? Right?”